


Our Fears

by Aurora1994



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Blood and Violence, Death, Dirty Talk, Domestic Violence, First Chapters set in Toronto (Canada), Forests, Introspection, Isolation, Legends, Major Character Death (?), Major Character Injury, Minor Character Death, Mountains, Multi, Next Chapters set in Canadian Forests, Philosophy, Snow and Ice, Strong Friendship - Freeform, Supernatural Elements, Violent Sex, Witches
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-13
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:34:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23132509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aurora1994/pseuds/Aurora1994
Summary: Have you ever heard the expression "from the frying pan to the grill"? "From bad to worse"?Well, that story is a good example.The main character, Nicole Haught, is a high school Philosophy teacher. Her life wasn't bad, not until her steps crossed with Derek's.He's a violent, ignorant man, she's a defenseless victim... maybe.One day, her friend and colleague Xavier will take her to a place in the Canadian forests, to a chalet.In that wonderful mountain cabin full of nice, friendly people, what could possibly go wrong?Everything.Leaving the old road is always a risk: you know what you leave but you don't know what you will find.Our fears, rational or irrational, are always fears... and fears are dangerous things.Face your fears or let them kill you.
Relationships: Jeremy Chetri/Doc Holliday, Nicole Haught/Original Character(s), Wynonna Earp/Nicole Haught, Xavier Dolls & Doc Holliday, Xavier Dolls & Nicole Haught
Comments: 22
Kudos: 22





	1. Intro

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, guys,  
> I had already published this story some time ago, but then I thought the idea wasn't good enough, now I have the clearest ideas and I think it could go well!  
> As always, forgive my English: I'm Italian, but I'm working hard :)  
> Your thought is important, critical or positive, thank you!  
> Enjoy the story!

**_Our Fears_ **

**1**

**Intro:**

> _Who still believes in legends? In warnings? Fairy tales, like Esopo's? No one, and it's okay. In an advanced civilization like the one we live in, what is the use? Not even our children, or even us, people no more than twenty-five or thirty years old, we children of technology, can no longer believe in it, we have become slaves of our own mother: technology, precisely. Technology has always been man's friend, it is also the wheel, the fire and all the bases of our civilization, they are technology; technology stopped being our friend the moment it started to progress, to evolve faster than human beings, yes, in that precise moment it became the enemy..._   
>  _What do you do when you hear a strange word? The name of some god or demon? Go Google, that's right, Google has the answers to everything, nothing is mysterious, unknown or scary anymore... only the real reality we live in. And in some weird, sick way, that's reassuring, isn't it? Yes, it is..._   
>  _Today when you ask someone, what are you afraid of? The answers are more or less always the same: my boss; bills; money; maybe some rapist, some murderer or delinquent of various kinds. But none of them will answer you: about Babau; about witches and monsters... no, nobody will, and why should they? These things don't exist..._   
>  _What if I told you they do exist? Ah, I can see that smile, you're ready to laugh at me and my stupid face... well, I can't blame you... but give me a chance, I want to tell you a story, a story that really happened... it's about a little girl, Mary Stoker, who lived in Canada at the end of the 19th century...._   
>  _Mary was a pretty little girl, petite for her six years; one day, an ordinary day, she disappeared somewhere in the great and beautiful Canadian forests. What's strange about that? You may be wondering: children disappear all the time, it always has and always will. You're right, but how many of those children come back after years? Staying the same as when they disappeared? How many of them tell about a witch? How many of them carry the mark of evil on their skin?_   
>  _That's right... no one._

"Nicole... Again...?" Xavier Dolls' tone was low, sad and perhaps angry.  
"I fell down the stairs, Xavier, it's nothing..." Nicole Haught smiled at the dark-skinned man, trying to look peaceful.  
The man shook his head, "How many times can a person fall down the stairs in a month? Come on, Nicole...!"  
The red-haired woman gathered a stack of papers and books, "I'm going to go now, I have to teach in a few minutes..." she got up, she was about to leave the high school teacher's room, but the friend stood in front of her, "look me in the eyes. Do you need help, Nicole?"  
Nicole kept her head down, "no, Xavier, thank you. Sorry, but I really have to go now." She said, passing by her friend.  
"Love never hits you in the face, Nicole...!" He shouted, to make sure the woman heard him.

**< <<<<<>>>>>>**

"What is fear?" Nicole's voice was loud, so that even those who were further away could hear it.  
A schoolgirl with wheat-colored hair lifted the pen she was holding in her hand.  
"Yes, Miss Gomez?" Nicole looked the girl in the eyes, and she knew right away that what the girl was going to say, well, she wouldn't like it.  
"I got a better question: are you a collector of bruises or do you just like getting beaten up when you have sex?"  
The whole class burst into a thunderous laughter. Few remained silent or shook their heads.  
Two large veins appeared on Nicole Haught's forehead, "in the presidency, Miss Gomez... now!" She yelled.  
The girl got up and, without stopping smiling, she left the classroom.  
"Professor Haught, Professor!" A pale-faced guy with a big pair of glasses, who identified him as the nerd, as the ultimate loser, raised his hand.  
" Speak please, Mr. Martyn." Nicole tried to find calm again, praying that the hour would end quickly so she could go home and... no, maybe it would have been better if philosophy class never ended.  
"Fear is: Primary emotion of defense, caused by a feeling of danger that can be real, anticipated by prediction, evoked by memory or produced by fantasy, Professor." The young man answered.  
Nicole slowly shook her head, "thank you for quoting Galimberti, Mr. Martyn. For those who do not know who he is, he is an Italian philosopher still alive, fortunately for us, who among other things, has expressed his thoughts, which I widely shared, on fear. I'm surprised that a young guy like you knows him, but I didn't ask for a scientific opinion: I want to know what fear is for you."  
The class remained silent.  
"Oh, come on guys...! What are you afraid of? What color is fear for you? What does it taste or smell like? Is it a picture? A sensation?" Nicole let her gaze wander over the lost faces of her students.  
"Can you give us an example, Professor?" A dark-skinned girl asked.  
The red-haired woman nodded, "I'll tell you how I see fear: first, the extremities of my upper limbs, in other words: my hands become cold, I can't tell if they are cold to the touch, but I feel them icy, then comes a feeling of heaviness in my chest, as if there were something heavy resting on them, my heart starts beating fast and the blood pumping in my ears becomes almost deafening... and I smell rotten fruit. If I had to give fear a color, it would be yellow."  
"Miss Haught."   
Nicole didn't realize the principal was staring at her from the doorway. "We need to talk."  
Nicole sighed, "I'll be right there, Principal." Then she turned to her students, "for Monday I would like a theme on what fear is for you. Now, please open your book and review 'the myth of Platone's cave'."

"Frosty hands? Blood? Are you kidding me, Miss Haught?" The Principal's voice was low and threatening.  
"I can't find anything wrong with that. I just described physical reactions to fear, a reaction any person could feel!" Nicole almost yelled.  
"You're a high school teacher, you can't talk to students half your age like that!" He had raised his voice too, now.  
She remained silent, still thinking she hadn't done anything wrong. At the end of the day, the principal had never found her nice and he hadn't done anything to hide it.  
"Besides, do you think it's decent to show up at school with those marks on your face? This school has a good name, and you're not going to ruin it. Is that clear?"  
"Like the sun." Nicole tighten her jaw.  
"Go home, Haught." Where'd the 'Miss' go?  
"You can't fire me like that!" The veins returned to disfigure the smooth, pale skin on her forehead.  
"I'm not firing you! But if this behavior of yours continues, well, you'll leave me no choice! Take a week off and come back here with a clean face and mind."

Nicole Haught came out of school almost running, "Fuck him! Fuck it all!" That's when the rain started to fall, getting it all wet, "oh, thank you, thank you very much!" She yelled to the sky.  
Now she should have waited for the rain to stop or taken the bus: she couldn't walk three miles, not in that storm.


	2. What a Shitty Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains explicit scenes of sexual abuse.

**2**

**What a Shitty Life**

Nicole stayed under the school archway.   
She tried to light a cigarette, but rainwater had seeped through her clothes and wet the pack, "what a shitty life...!".  
"Want a cigarette, Prof?" A mocking voice, behind her back.  
"Miss Gomez, what the hell are you doing out here?!" She asked, turning around.   
The girl laughed, "do you really think I go to the presidency every time? Oh, come on, Prof!" She approached Nicole, "do you want to smoke or not?" She asked her, lighting a cigarette.  
"You better go to class, and throw that shit away! Do you want to destroy your lungs at fifteen?!" The veins threatened to reappear.  
"I'm sixteen!" The girl answered, puffing.  
"Oh, sure, that changes everything. Get back to class now!" Nicole's voice was shrill, annoying to the ear.  
"You know what your problem is, Prof?" Gomez asked, blowing smoke out, "you're not relaxing enough! You should change the way you fuck!"  
"That's enough!" Nicole approached the girl, lowering herself to her height, "now you go to class, and on Monday I want to talk to your parents!"  
The blonde girl laughed, "maybe in two Mondays: the principal told you to stay the fuck out for at least a week!"  
The veins had reappeared, "you eavesdropped!"  
Gomez shook her head and smiled, "you were screaming: the whole school heard you. I think you bit the principal's dick, it can happen, I bit my boyfriend's dick once-" A violent slap prevented the girl from finishing the story. "You cheeky little bitch!" Nicole yelled, pissed as a snake. But she immediately regretted what she'd done, hitting a girl fifteen years younger than her... a little bitch, but now she had a nosebleed... ! "Shit... I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."  
"Fuck you!" The girl threw her cigarette on the floor and, with the same violence, jumped on her. They both fell to the ground in the rain.  
"You bastard bitch!!!!" She was yelling, straddling Nicole's belly, trying so hard to punch and slap her, "I'll smash your face in, bitch!"  
Nicole could do nothing but try to protect her face, the rain of punches and slaps, somehow, managed to always find a space in her arms. When her nose made a sinister, disturbing sound, she thought the girl's violence would kill her.   
Although Gomez was half the height of Nicole Haught, she seemed infinitely stronger; Nicole's analytical mind produced an explanation, even in that chaotic moment: anger and frustration; men are physically stronger than women, because of testosterone: a natural doping for muscles, but adrenaline is capable of turning a small, tiny woman into the Hulk; the girl must have had a lot of adrenaline in her body: her fists looked like bricks. Nicole wondered why the hormone didn't enter her body as well...  
She was sure that she would soon lose consciousness: her face was on fire and throbbing painfully, her arms started to become too heavy.   
Nicole was too dazed to notice that half the school was watching her murder from the windows of the building.  
The woman was close to unconsciousness when the girl's body was moved from hers.  
She could hear the voices, but understand the meaning, well, that was another story...

**< <<<<<X>>>>>>**

-Why does my life suck so much? -Nicole thought, lying on the sheriff's bunk, -when did I become so pathetic and weak? Where have my dreams and ambitions gone...? - A tear left her left eye, completely swollen and puffy, like much of her face.  
The sheriff's guttural voice uncorked her from her thoughts, "Nicole Haught. Bail's been posted, get out." He said, opening the metal door.  
The blood froze in Nicole's veins, fear, no, terror took hold of her, like a dark demon. Derek? Derek made bail for her? The man would have been furious. Spending money on Nicole? A useless waste of money, according to him... this time he was gonna beat her to death...! The woman took the head in her hands, unable to move or even look.  
"Nicole...!" It wasn't Derek's voice, no, it was Xavier's...  
"Xavier... What...?" Nicole was happy, terrified and grateful, all at once.  
"Come on, I'll take you home..." the man entered the little cell and extended his hand to Nicole.  
The woman stood motionless, looking at her best friend's hand, "Why did you do that? It was a lot of money."  
The dark-skinned man smiled, "what are friends for?"  
"Come on, people, I haven't got all day!" The sheriff seemed on the verge of locking the cell with Nicole and Xavier inside.

"Leave me here, Xavier..."   
The man slowed down, but the car didn't stop, "it's raining, your house is still far away."   
Nicole took off her seat belt, "please let me off...!" It was a cry, a desperate plea.  
The car stopped, but before Nicole could get out, Xavier Dolls blocked the car doors, "Nicole, where's your smile? Your dignity?"  
The woman put the hands in her hair, "please don't..."  
"Nicole, you're my best friend, I can't let you destroy yourself! You're a good and smart person, why do you want to throw your life away like this? Let me talk to him, I know he's a he."  
The redheaded woman started crying, "please... let me go..."  
Dolls shook his head, "let me help Nicole. In a whole month I've never seen you without at least one ematoma... do you understand that this is wrong and sick? We can't do anything unless you report him, you understand?"  
"Damn Dolls! Let me out of this damn car! Open the fucking door and mind your own fucking business!" Nicole screamed, overwhelmed with anger and fear, "you think you've got it all figured out, but you haven't got shit!"  
The man lowered his head and unlocked the doors, "you're making a mistake, Nicole..." but the woman didn't hear him: she had already got out of the car and now she was running in the rain.  
"I'm a bad friend..." Dolls said to himself, looking at his reflection in the rear-view mirror, "I should do much more, words are useless."

**< <<<<<X>>>>>>**

"Where have you been?" Derek was lying on the couch, underneath him were a lot of empty, crumpled up beer cans: he was drunk, again...  
Nicole did her best to smile, to look relaxed: she didn't want to upset him. "I had a problem at school... I'm sorry, Derek."  
The man didn't seem to notice the condition of Nicole's face, he probably didn't care, "it's eight o'clock in the evening and dinner isn't ready. Why the fuck isn't dinner ready?!" He yelled, getting up.  
Instinctively, Nicole put her hands in front of her, to protect herself, "I'm so sorry... I'll make dinner right away...!"  
"You were with someone else, weren't you? You're a whore! Why can't you understand that I'm the only one who can take a shit like you? You're ugly and stupid, who else could ever want you?" He began to advance towards Nicole, "you stupid, useless bitch..." the contempt in his voice was like the blade of a knife, slowly tearing apart what was once a woman.  
"Please... I just had a problem at school... "I'll make dinner now, I'll make pasta with sauce, the one you like so much..." Nicole was taller than Derek, but her head was now at the height of the man's shoulders: she had thrown herself down and lowered herself, bending her knees: he hated when she was standing upright, he said she was provoking him, that she wanted to be superior.  
"You think I'm a dog?!" He yelled, "do you think you can give me some food so I'll forget everything? Bitch!" Derek hit Nicole's left cheekbone with a violent punch, she fell to the ground.  
"You think I'm a beast? Then I'll show you what a beast can do! Get up!"  
But Nicole couldn't move: the blow, added to Gomez's, had stunned her.  
"I told you to get up! Bitch!" Derek grabbed Nicole by the hair and pulled her up. Nicole screamed and tried to free herself from the man's grip, but her movements were weak and uncoordinated.  
He dragged her to the kitchen table and slammed her head on the wooden shelf.  
"Please don't! No, please, I don't want to!" Nicole knew what was coming, just as she knew there was nothing she could do to stop it.  
"Shut up! Your stupid voice pisses me off!" His hand hit Nicole's back and the woman fell with her torso onto the table, bent over 90.  
With his free hand, Derek started to unbuckle his pants belt.  
"No...! "No...! "No...! Please let me go, please! I'm begging you, let me go!" Nicole's screams only made the man more ferocious.  
Nicole's panties were violently ripped off and her dress lifted over her skinny hips.  
"I'll show you how a dog fucks!" The man's hard and stiff cock penetrated Nicole's pussy, her vagina was not ready to receive anything inside, the pain almost made the red-haired woman faint.  
"You like that, bitch?!" The man's hips moved fast, banging against Nicole's bare buttocks, "tell me, how do you like my cock inside you? Huh? I'm gonna fuck you so hard you won't be able to lay your fat ass anywhere for weeks!" He yelled, increasing the force of the pushes.  
Nicole's mouth was open, open for a cry without a voice.


	3. The Man that I Don't Love

**3**

**The Man that I Don't Love**

Nicole stood still in the same position that Derek left her. His sperm and her blood slid down her thighs, making her feel even more dirty and useless, small and wrong, perverted and ugly.  
Finally, out of her open mouth came a lament: it was the sound of fear, anger and pain that the woman had repressed. A wrong and guttural verse, which did not resemble her real voice at all.   
The table, on which Nicole's head was still resting, gleamed, wet with saliva, tears and mucus, still coming out of her nostrils, mixed with blood.  
If Nicole's nose had been free, she would have smelled shame, male shame and her own, sweat and blood.  
Moving around was not easy: every part of her body was sore: her torso and breasts, which had been crushed against the hard wooden surface; her back and genital area... pure pain.   
She wanted to go to the bathroom, take a shower and hope that the water could at least erase the physical sensations she felt.

Derek was sleeping on the couch. Nicole couldn't tell how much time had passed, maybe minutes, maybe years, maybe it didn't matter.  
That man debunked the myth that behind a pretty face there was also a good person: Especially in the past, people believed that if you were good-looking, with a pretty, beautiful, well-groomed face, then you couldn't be a bad person. An outwardly beautiful person had to be a person with good thoughts, a noble heart and great ideals of life and goodness of spirit. The rottenness that we have inside, they thought or wanted to believe at all costs, manifests itself with ungainly, ugly, clumsy traits... because if you have bad thoughts you are ugly, then: a bad person...  
Derek was objectively very handsome: his hair was black as night; his eyebrows were shaped like a seagull's wing; his eyes were dark green, like the leaves of Canadian foreigners; his nose was perfect, like that of a Greek statue; his mouth fleshy... but he was evil... a sea of ignorance and wickedness, an insecure man and a slave to his fears and insecurities, he was violent and cowardly.  
Nicole had never trusted people who were 'too beautiful', not for any particular reason, she simply preferred faces with some imperfections, for example a scar or a mole, like the one she had under her left eye, over old scars, which she couldn't even remember how she got them.  
Looking at that beautiful man, she wondered: why? Why was there such a strong contrast between his outer beauty and his inner shit? Why was that man in her life...? Nicole was a gay woman, she knew she was a lesbian and it was perfect like that. Then why was that monster man sleeping on her couch? That's a really good question.  
Nicole had met Derek a month and a half earlier at a mall in Toronto: 

She had bought a lot of clothes, all at a discount, of course; so when the phone started ringing in the pocket of her jeans, a large number of bags fell on the floor.  
"Shit..." Nicole shook her head, trying to stop other bags from falling out.  
"Hold on, I'll help you!" A man had run to Nicole's rescue, picking up the bags on the ground and taking the ones she was holding in her right hand so she could get her cell phone.   
"You saved me!" Nicole smiled at the man and answered the call.  
"Can I buy you a coffee?" She asked, when she ended the call, trying to be nice to the guy she knew. "I'm Nicole, by the way. Sorry I don't shake your hand."  
"Derek," he smiled, he had a nice smile, "I'd really love to have coffee with you!"  
Nicole and Derek had talked for hours, well, Nicole had talked for hours: Derek was asking her questions about her work, about philosophy according to Nicole's thought; he seemed to understand nothing or almost nothing of what Nicole was saying, or rather, philosophy is not something to understand, it is more something to think and interpret: the word 'philosophy' comes from the Greek: 'Love of Knowing'. But Nicole didn't care: she was happy to be free to talk a little about herself and her love for philosophy. Besides, Derek didn't seem to want to court Nicole, he seemed more like someone who wanted to make friends, so there was no embarrassment between them.  
In the following days, Nicole and Derek continued to see each other, all was quiet and carefree.   
Nicole's great loneliness had prevented her from seeing the threat, the beast behind the beauty of man. There is nothing wrong in looking for the presence of our fellow human being, of another human being: we are group animals, we are not meant to be alone, it is not in our nature as humans; of course, there are people, like the author of this story, who do not suffer loneliness, quite the opposite, they look for it. But Nicole is not the author of this story, no, she is one of the victims of the story you are reading.  
"Sorry, I do all the talking," Nicole said, after three weeks of her and Derek dating, "but if I can pay you a compliment, you're an excellent listener. Listening is a great virtue."  
Derek smiled at Nicole, "don't apologize, it's so nice to hear you talk! Could you please tell me something else about Epicurus? I find him very interesting."  
Nicole had reciprocated the smile of the man, "I want to quote you one of his phrases that I love the most: "The evil, then, that scares us the most, death, is nothing for us, because when we are there she is not there, and when she is there we are no longer there". I find it a really simple phrase, at first sight, but very complex when you think about it intensely, I mean: the human being is scared by the idea of death, he has always been, is human. But Epicurus says something true, very true and deep, in my opinion."  
"Are you afraid of death too?" Derek asked, it wasn't a stupid question, although very trivial, but it seemed as if he wanted to say to Nicole: you are special, I want to know your thoughts. That's what Nicole thought.  
"I can't tell you if death scares me, I think I'm more afraid of suffering while I'm dying, of knowing I'm dying and I can't do anything about it... yes, being powerless scares me more than the idea of dying: I hate not being in control. Can I ask you the same question?"  
The man nodded, "I'm not afraid of death."   
Nicole waited for the man to add something, maybe an explanation, but those words never came.  
That friendship seemed perfect and unselfish, until the day Derek asked Nicole for hospitality.  
"It would be for two or three nights at the most, I have nowhere to go, and I'm broke..." he said, "the landlord kicked me out and..."  
"Of course!" Nicole replied instinctively, "my apartment isn't huge, but two of us will be fine!"  
That night he beat her and raped her for hours.   
That kind and good man had quickly, without warning, transformed himself into a monster, and like a mold he had taken possession of Nicole's house and mind.

Nicole hated herself much more than she hated him: she had allowed that demon to come into her life and take control. She hated herself because she discovered she was weak, fragile... just a small human being, unable to defend herself. She hated herself because she knew it was wrong, she knew she was better than him in so many ways, but her brilliant mind was no use against the brute force of him. Her beloved philosophy could never protect her face from his blows and this caused Nicole pain, because suddenly her life, her ideas seemed just one big lie without value or meaning.

Nicole took the sponge she usually used to clean the house and went to the bathroom.  
She didn't bother to regulate the water in the shower, and let the icy water run over her naked and painful body, while with the abrasive sponge she rubbed her body with violence, trying to erase the dirt she felt on her.

Nicole stayed in the shower for an indefinite time.  
Her skin was flushed, she even bled in some areas. But no matter how hard she rubbed the sponge on her body, it seemed to her that the dirt and the stench of rape never went away.  
A rape... hardly ever rape is something done for sexual pleasure, no, it is something sicker and wrong: animals rape, it's true, but they are moved by an instinct: they do it to reproduce. Animals are amoral, that is without morality, that is why animals are not bad; there is only one bad animal, in the whole animal kingdom: the human being. The human being has a moral, the human being knows, understands and applies evil, because he knows how to distinguish 'good' from 'evil', the human being chooses and is aware of doing good or bad actions. There is a reason why the devil is represented in the guise of a beast and is also called the 'Beast': he represents our, of us humans, silencing morality, like flipping a switch: On/Off, Moral/Amoral... beast, not animal, it's different.   
When the human being rapes, he does it to subdue the other, to have control and power over the victim, he does it to feel powerful, not to reproduce himself. And that's disgusting...  
A part of Nicole also tried to give an explanation for all this: the human being is also the strangest of animals, we have no tusks, claws, poison and not even a fur, we are naked, like worms, but worms fertilize the earth, they have a utility to the ecosystem, we humans do not. We do not adapt to the habitat, we adapt the habitat to us. We have lost our fur, enlarged and developed our brain; of course, with such a powerful brain, able to process hundreds of information in a very short time, maybe it is normal that we are 'sick'; we are able to do extraordinary things as well as do other equally disgusting things, maybe it is in our nature to be wrong... but if we suffer from the wickedness of our fellow human beings, then it is still right to say: we are wrong, is it in our nature? Perhaps we would never have an answer...

Nicole got out of the shower, leaving a trail of water droplets and blood behind her. She looked at her image in the mirror: her face was still swollen, but the cold water had improved the situation. Her pupils were still dilated from fear, the iris was almost invisible.  
"You're pathetic..." she said to her reflection, "maybe you deserve it. "You deserve to suffer. What good is a brain if you don't use it? Huh?" Her voice trembled, still imbued with fear and anger. "It's your fault..."  
Her face, in the mirror, just looked at her, sadly aware.  
The victim, who blames self is a dangerous mechanism...  
"No. It's not my fault, is it...?"   
The reflection didn't respond.  
"Maybe I like getting beaten... maybe I like having his dick inside me, I like it... because I'm a slut... !" her voice broke, "I'm a whore..."  
Tears began to slip down her cheeks again.

Still naked, Nicole walked towards the kitchen, looked at the table, stained with mucus and dried blood, then saw what she was looking for: a big knife to cut the meat...   
She took the object between her fingers, it seemed so heavy and beautiful at the same time. On the blade she saw her reflection; the reflection was smiling.  
She went into the living room, where Derek was still sleeping on the sofa; he hadn't even pulled up his pants, and his soft penis was exposed to Nicole's eyes, but also to the blade of the knife. It would have been easy to grab that piece of meat and cut it off: with her left hand, she could grab it and hold it still, while with her right hand she could let the blade do its job, it would have been easy, very easy...  
Nicole stood still for several minutes, listening to him breathe quietly, looking at his penis, the same dick that had hurt her so much...  
But the red-headed woman knew she wouldn't do it...  
She put the knife on the wrist of her left hand, on the four veins that feed the tissues of the hand... suicide... another human prerogative...  
The contact, of the icy blade on her veins, was a strange sensation, almost like a tingling sensation.   
The weight of the knife was enough to begin to incise the superficial layer of skin, the epidermis. The area was largely composed of dead skin, ready to be changed, like that of a snake, so the blood did not come out. A little pressure and rapid movement would have been enough to cut the veins... it would have been easy... no, it wasn't.  
Sure, the human being is able to commit suicide, probably the only animal that takes its own life, but between theory and practice there is a really huge space.

"What the fuck are you doing...?" Derek's voice was shaking.  
Nicole didn't realize his eyes had opened and now they were staring at her; what was that thing in his eyes? Fear... it was fear! Nicole's face showed an awfully sick smile.   
Nicole lifted the knife and saw the fear take over Derek's face completely.  
"Okay, listen, put the knife down." He moved his hands in front of him, as Nicole had done a few hours earlier.  
"I don't want to put down the knife..." she said, her voice was strange: it didn't sound like a adult woman, but more like a child. "You'll hurt me if I do..." was probably the beginning of a hysterical attack.  
"No, I promise I won't hurt you...!"  
He was lying, Nicole knew, "I'm afraid of pain... it's something I can't control..." it was definitely a hysterical attack... "I'm afraid..."  
"I'm not gonna hurt you, but put the knife down, okay, honey?"   
Tears slid down from her eyes and into Nicole's smiling mouth, there was something so wrong with that scene, "I want to be in control of the pain...!". The blade of the knife pierced Nicole's left eyebrow, cutting a scarlet line down to her cheekbone, blood came out violently from the cut, "see? I did it. I can control the pain I feel..." she was about to do the same thing with the right side of her face, but Derek literally jumped on her and the knife fell away from them.  
Nicole's face was a mask of blood and madness, she started screaming, until she hurt her throat; it was a scream that seemed to have nothing human: it sounded like the scream of a raptor or a demon.  
Derek's hand closed Nicole's mouth before anyone called the police.

"The eye looks good..." Derek's voice was now sweet, almost loving, while he was healing Nicole's cut. It wasn't easy to stop the bleeding, but the man used every method. He didn't want to take Nicole to the ER.  
"The scar will remain. It's a deep cut, you know?"  
Nicole didn't answer, she was barely aware of existing, of being. She remained motionless, sitting on the lid of the toilet, while Derek's hands, for once, touched her face instead of hitting it. But that wasn't love, it would have been nice to think so, but it wasn't; that care he now had for her was for him, to avoid problems.  
"Does it hurt?"  
Still no answer.  
"I don't want to get mad at you... you understand? I don't want to be mean to you, but you have to give me respect."  
-Is it really that easy? He just wants me to submit?- Nicole's first 'rational' thought.  
Derek had beaten and raped Nicole before, many times, but all the events of the day, combined with Derek's violence, had broken Nicole.  
-If I submit, everything will be okay...! It's a war I can't win. Surrendering is easy... It's the right thing to do.-  
"Fine." The man took a few steps back, looking at Nicole's cut, " it stopped bleeding."  
Nicole fell from her position and got down on her knees, Derek hadn't even tried to stop her from falling.  
"You are my master." It was something mechanical, not a normal way of talking.  
"What did you say?" It wasn't clear if Derek didn't really understand Nicole's words or if he was just surprised.  
"You are my master." Nicole repeated in the same mechanical way as before. Her hands began to caress man's inner thighs, "I'll be good..."  
Derek's dick immediately became hard: her submission excited him, it was all he wanted from her.  
"You're my little bitch, aren't you Nicole?" His voice vibrated, as did his penis, still imprisoned in his clothes.  
"I'm your little slut." Nicole's hands unhooked the jeans belt.   
"Get it!" The man moved Nicole's hands and grabbed his penis and pulled it out of his boxer shorts. "I want to see my big cock sink down your throat."  
The red-haired woman placed her hands on his hips and her tongue licked the tip of Derek's rod. A second later, the member had disappeared into Nicole's mouth.


	4. Emergency at the Number 31269 of...

**4**

**Emergency at the Number 31269 of...**

It had been stupid, but Nicole had believed it: for a few days, after the rape and the cut on the eye, the situation seemed to have calmed down: Nicole was taking care of Derek, in that wrong and dirty way as he liked. And he didn't beat her.  
But as mentioned above, the peace was short lived...  
A week later, Derek had punched her in the stomach: now he preferred not to hit Nicole's face, maybe he was afraid to open that ugly cut on Nicole's left eye again. The next day, he knocked her down and he started kicking her in the stomach; why? Like there was a good reason...  
What was the point of giving up? To humiliate herself? Forcing herself to have sex with him?   
Nothing.

Now Nicole no longer had a job: the principal had kicked her out and threatened to sue her for beating up a minor. Beating up a minor? It was just a slap, something that little bitch richly deserved. And in Nicole's memory, things were a little different. She could still feel those fists, no, those bricks, against her face.  
Anyway, now Nicole had no reason to leave the house. That's what Derek said.  
That was the real loneliness, being with someone who despises you.  
The hatred for herself had increased, Nicole avoided going near any reflective surface: she couldn't look at her face, she didn't even know what condition the wound on her eye was in, she didn't care. She was too ashamed, and the dirt she felt on her skin seemed to have penetrated the inside too... there was no water in the world that could wash away the sin she had committed against herself.

The cell phone began to vibrate on the coffee table, next to the sofa on which Derek was asleep, drunk as usual.   
Nicole grabbed the phone, praying he wouldn't wake up. She hadn't picked up her cell phone for over a week: Derek kept it with him at all times, he even disconnected the landline, he wanted to keep Nicole isolated from the world.  
Nicole ran to the bathroom, hoping the man wouldn't wake up, not before she put her cell phone back on the table.  
She'd gotten a lot of texts and calls, all from Dolls, her only friend...  
Nicole entered the password; Derek had tried everything he could to get it from Nicole and her refusal had cost her a lot of kicks and punches around the body, and in the end he was content to seize her cell phone.  
Nicole quickly read the large number of messages: Dolls was very worried about her, he would have called the police within two days if Nicole hadn't been in contact: he was afraid that he, Derek, had killed her.  
There were also messages about a vacation in the mountains...  
Derek woke up, and now he was banging on the door, "let me in, bitch! I got to take a piss." He yelled.  
Nicole's hands became cold, or at least, it seemed so to her, her heart began to beat fast, and the blood, pumping in her ears, was almost deafening; a strong smell of rotten fruit took her nostrils.  
"Let me in or I swear I'll break the fucking door down!" He kept yelling, hitting the door.  
Nicole knew he was really gonna kick the door down.  
"I'm almost done!" Nicole said, trying to mask the terror in her voice, if Derek noticed that Nicole had a cell phone...  
-Think Nicole... think fast...!  
That was the time to make a decision, a very dangerous decision.  
Eventually the red-headed woman hid the cell phone on the mirror cabinet so that Derek couldn't see it.  
"Forgive me, Derek." Nicole said, opening the door.  
"Get out of the way." He pushed her sideways, and her shoulder hit the tiles on the wall. "Why don't you leave? Wanna watch me piss?"  
Nicole shook her head, "forgive me. "It's my period, I'll have to use the bathroom again soon..."  
"Disgusting..." the man's piss mostly came out of the toilet bowl, wetting the floor.  
It looked like Derek didn't realize the phone was off the table, but danger was still lurking.  
"Don't make any noise, I want to sleep again." He said, while shaking his friend.  
"Sure!" Nicole was relaxing: he seemed very drunk and sleepy, even though it was only 3:30 in the afternoon.  
Then something happened that almost made Nicole faint: her cell phone began to vibrate.  
"What the fuck is that?" His gaze wandered through the small room, but his cell phone kept vibrating, revealing its location. "You took the cell phone!" He yelled, pissed off.  
Nicole started shaking, "no, it's the electric razor!" But the household appliance, usually connected to the electricity, this time was away from the socket.  
"Liar!" He's gonna punch Nicole in the ribs. The woman struggled to stay on her feet and she grabbed the man's shoulders.  
"This time he killed you!"  
The two of them started to fight, he was much stronger than Nicole, but she was desperate: if she hadn't done anything, this time would have been the end for her. The adrenaline kicked into Nicole's system and she managed to push him.  
Derek didn't lose his balance, he just backed off a couple of steps, "bitch!" He was ready to attack, but his foot trampled the urine on the ground, and he slipped.  
The sound of Derek's head hitting the toilet bowl was really horrible to hear. The second annoying sound, there was when his face hit the floor, soaked in piss and blood coming out of Derek's temple.  
"Shit..." Nicole gasped, "shit... shit...!" The blood, spreading like a stain, reached Nicole's feet.

The woman ran out of the room.   
She grabbed a backpack and threw in some clothes and the wallet, with her few savings. Derek's cell phone was on the lobby cabinet. Nicole took it.  
"911, what's your emergency?"   
Nicole knew that if you used her number, it would stay on record, and she didn't want that.  
"Yes, a domestic incident at number 3 12 6 9 of..." was the right thing to do.  
"I'm activating the ambulance. What happened? And who was hurt?" The operator asked.  
"A man, thirty-five years old, with no known pathology, slipped in the bathroom, he's losing a lot of blood from his head." Nicole answered, going to the bathroom.  
"Is he conscious?"  
Nicole retrieved her cell phone and slipped it into her jacket pocket. "No, he's unconscious."  
"Is he breathing?"  
Nicole looked at Derek's back, "yes."  
"Okay, the ambulance will be there in six minutes. Are you family? I'll tell you what you need to do now."  
Nicole ended the call, she had done everything right, there was nothing else to say or listen.


	5. Carry Me Far Away

**5**

The air was cold; the rain would soon turn to snow, it was only a matter of days.  
Nicole let the cold late October rain soak her hair and face; she was cold, but strangely, that feeling was pleasant.  
She walked a few blocks without knowing her destination; Nicole just wanted to walk, to get away from him.  
The red-haired woman saw an ambulance whizzing by her side; the wheels went into the puddle, but the jet of water didn't reach Nicole. It wouldn't have made any difference: she was already all wet.  
The woman kept walking.

Toronto was a beautiful city, full of quiet, secluded places. Nicole chose one, an underground walkway.  
She took a few minutes to calm down and let the adrenaline wear off.  
Without taking her eyes off the rain that was falling violently outside the underground structure, she reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out her cell phone.  
"Nicole! My God!" Dolls voice was so loud that it managed to overpower the roar of the water. "I was going to call the police!"  
"Can you come get me, Xavier?" Nicole's voice was weak, sounding as if it might break and fall to the ground, letting the current drag it away.  
"I'll be at your house in fifteen minutes."   
"No, not home, Xavier... Meet me in front of Pixie bar in..." Nicole tried to remember where in the city she was, "in twenty-five minutes. Can you do that?"  
"I'll meet you there." He replied. It was clear that his voice was hiding hundreds of questions, but he preferred to put it off until later.  
"Thank you, Xavier..." she replied, touched by his kindness.

Nicole walked slowly, marveling at how, the simple reflection of the lights on the wet asphalt, was beautiful; how much she had missed walking in the rain at night...how good it felt to be free.

The red-haired woman walked into a tobacco shop next to the Pixie bar.  
The man behind the counter raised his head as the woman opened the door jingling the small bell.  
"Good evening..." he seemed to be petrified, "my my, are you all right, Miss?"  
Nicole had no idea what she looked like, but considering the man's reaction, it couldn't have been a pretty sight.  
"I'd like to buy two cartons of Camel Blue." She said, pulling out her wallet, trying to appear normal and relaxed.  
"Sure..." but the man stood still looking at her: he seemed undecided whether to comply with the woman's request or call an ambulance.  
"I'd be in a bit of a hurry..." Nicole said, without looking him in the eye.  
"Are you sure you're okay?"  
"Yes. Please, I just want to buy some cigarettes and go." Nicole watched the drops of water slip and fall down from her red hair, eventually forming a small puddle of water on the wooden counter.  
"Okay..." the man finally turned his back on her to grab the cigarettes from the shelves behind him.  
"I'll just take one..." Nicole said, realizing there weren't enough dollars in the wallet.  
"No problem." The man put one of the packs back without adding anything else.

Nicole went out into the open air, finally feeling free from the man's gaze.  
She took a pack of Camels, putting the others in her bag and, trying to stay out of the rain, she lit one.  
The bitter taste hurt her throat: it had been more than a week since she had put one of the small cylinders in her mouth.  
"What a relief..." she said, blowing out the smoke that blended into a white-gray cloud mixed with water vapor: it was really cold.  
Nicole thought about the action she was performing: smoking. Why does smoking give us pleasure? After all, we are introducing toxic substances into our bodies. It's not just the nicotine, no. Smoking reassures us because it instinctively reminds us of when we were children, of when we sucked at our mother's breast.  
"I, however, have no memories of my mother. Who knows if she held me in her arms, if she fed me with her body...who knows why she abandoned me...?"  
A passerby stopped to look at her, but he felt that she must be just a poor fool. So he continued on his way sheltering his head with a black leather briefcase.  
Nicole smiled at the stranger's indifference, comparing it to the concern the man who had sold her cigarettes had shown: so much diversity in one species.

Nicole was on her third cigarette when Dolls' green car pulled up to the curb.  
"Nicole!" The man stood still a few steps away from her, holding his umbrella a little crookedly over his head. "Your face..." he said.  
Nicole wished she could have started running, running away from the shocked gaze of her friend, who was looking at her like she was a kitten that had just been crushed by the wheels of a car.  
"Is it that bad?" Instinctively, Nicole touched the scar on her left eye.  
"My God, Nicole...what did he do to you...?"  
The red-haired woman looked at him trying not to burst into tears, "He didn't do this: this one I did to myself..." she replied.  
The man licked his full lips, trying to hold back the anger he felt growing in his chest, "come, I'll take you to my house."   
His hand came up to Nicole's arm, but the woman almost jumped back.  
"Forgive me, Nicole..." he raised his free hand.  
"I'm sorry, Xavier... just don't touch me...okay?" she replied.  
It's common for people who have experienced some form of physical violence to not want to be touched.  
"I didn't want any of this to happen..." Dolls voice trembled with anger.  
"Just take me away, Xavier, take me far away...please."

<<<<<<X>>>>>>

  
Nicole lay still on the bed Xavier had left for her: he had gone to sleep on the couch.  
Although she was terribly tired, she couldn't fall asleep.   
Now that everything was calm, her mind was populated by demons screaming and scratching the walls of her mind with their dirty, sharp claws.  
Sounds, smells and images imbued with pain and shame threatened to push her over the edge of insanity.  
"Enough...!" she inhaled deeply, trying to loosen the grip she felt in her chest.  
Her hand wandered through the darkness of the room, looking for the light switch on the lamp.   
The warm light of the bulb, however, could not drive away the darkness that enveloped her soul.   
"I need some air..." she sat up in bed.   
Her gaze met the clean, dry clothes Xavier had left at the foot of her bed, which she hadn't worn, preferring to keep hers still wet and soaked with fear.

With an unsteady step, the red-haired woman headed for the small bathroom adjacent to the bedroom.  
The woman stopped in front of the mirror over the sink, but did not lift her head: she was not yet ready to meet her reflection.  
She began to undress, she needed to get rid of the warm dampness of the clothes that were beginning to macerate her skin in the most sensitive areas: armpits and pubic area.  
Finally naked, Nicole looked up at the mirror: it showed an image that she did not recognize.  
Her pale and skinny body, as thin as that of a starving man, was stained with black spots, like those of a cow. But those spots were not the result of skin melanin, but only painful memories of bestial violence.  
The rib cage was so protruding, compared to the stomach and belly, that it looked like a container placed on her chest. Every rib was perfectly visible beneath the delicate layer of skin; so were the bones of the pelvis beneath which the slight hair of the pubis sprouted like a sickly bush.  
"I am a shadow of my former self...a memory about to fade." She commented.  
It took her several more minutes to lift her gaze and look at her face.  
There was no difference from a zombie, that's what Nicole thought, looking at her pained, hollowed-out face on which, still pink, almost red, the scar stood out against the pallor of her face. The black circles under her eyes were a natural contrast to the color of her light brown irises and red hair.

After washing and dressing, the red-haired woman returned to the bedroom without worrying about being naked: she knew Xavier would never come in.  
It wasn't until she took them in hand that she realized that the ones her friend had left her were not men's clothes.  
Nicole remembered that Xavier was seeing a woman, he had told her about it a few weeks before, maybe those clothes were hers? And if so, where was she now?  
Suddenly, Nicole felt like an intruder.

<<<<<<X>>>>>>

"Good morning." Xavier Dolls yawned, stretching out on the apartment couch.  
"I'm sorry I forced you to sleep on the couch. And I'm also sorry for invading your privacy and waking you up before dawn..." Nicole pointed to the window that was still sending back her reflection due to the darkness outside.  
"You have no idea how comfortable this couch is." He smiled at her. "Nicole, I think we should talk..."  
"And thank you for the clothes." Nicole deliberately ignored his words. "They're Sara's, I guess. How are things between you two?" Nicole stood in front of him feeling more and more like something out of place.  
The man shook his head pulling the small purple blanket off of him, "She dumped me two weeks ago." Then he smiled and added, "it was for the best. You can keep those clothes: she never came to take them back." He pointed to the black sweatshirt and jeans Nicole was wearing.  
"I'm sorry...maybe you wanted to talk about it...and I wasn't there. Actually, Xavier, you've always been there for me, as for me..."  
"Nicole." Dolls got up from the couch, his instinct was probably to hug the woman, but he held back. "It's all right, okay?"  
Nicole had instinctively bent her knees to appear shorter than him, and he noticed.  
"Are you feeling sick? I'll get you a chair!" He didn't even wait for an answer and ran into the kitchen attached to the living room.  
"Xavier..."  
"Sit down, c'mon. I'll make you some coffee and I'll put sugar in it, even if you don't like it...you look awful, Nicole." He told her, placing the chair next to her.  
"I'm fine, really..."  
"No, you're not fine... I'm surprised you're alive, to tell you the truth." He replied, advancing toward the kitchen again.

After the two drank their coffee, Dolls tried to talk to Nicole again.  
"You've been missing for over a week, and it looks like you've been locked up and tortured. So give me one good reason why I shouldn't call the police."  
Nicole kept her eyes down on her still half-full coffee cup, "please..."  
"I don't want to cause you any trouble, Nicole, I just want to help you..."  
"I know."  
"Then tell me what happened to you."  
"What would be the point, Xavier?"  
The man ran his hand over the short black hair, "Nicole..."  
"Please...I don't want to talk about it...I'm not ready."  
"Then come away with me." He stood up, placing his hands on the table.  
"A romantic getaway, my friend?" Nicole tried to joke, but the result was quite depressing.  
"A few weeks in the mountains with me and some friends: I used up all the vacation time I had saved up... I've been wanting to talk to you about this for a while."  
"I don't know, Xavier... all I want is to escape my reality, but I could never invade your group of friends too. Besides, I'm not sure I want to see other people."  
"You're my friend, Nicole! My best friend." He reiterated. "Take this vacation, get yourself together, and be the woman I knew again. When you're yourself again everything will seem easier, I promise."  
Nicole licked her lips thoughtfully, what Xavier was offering her was a break, an escape from all that darkness and rot...  
"I don't know if I can leave the house like this...who's going to pay the rent, who's going to take care of the bills?" She said.  
"I'll take care of it, I know the owner of your apartment, he owes me a favor: I cover for him every time he cheats on his wife."  
"Blackmail...no." Nicole shook her head.  
"It's not blackmail, it's a favor. Besides, he's rich; your rent is but an insignificant crumb." Dolls tone was firm and confident, perhaps a little excited, "and I'll make sure the monster you're living with leaves."  
"NO!" Nicole yelled, "I don't want you to say anything about him...please don't."  
Dolls sighed, "Nicole..."  
"No, Xavier... I will go with you, but you will do absolutely nothing to... you understand... when I return I'll take care of it myself."  
"Promise?"  
She nodded.  
"All right. I'll call the others: they were waiting for me. We'll leave this afternoon or tomorrow morning." He was about to leave the kitchen to go to the landline in the living room, but turned around, "if you need to pick up anything from your house, I'll go."  
"No, thank you. I have everything I need." She replied.  
The man nodded.  
"And Xavier," Nicole caught his attention again, "thank you for everything you do for me."  
"We're friends." He held up his thumb and smiled at her.


	6. On the Road

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me six chapters, but I finally remembered to say this:  
> I solemnly swear that I WILL make use of horror stereotypes.... xD

**6**

"Are you sure you don't need anything else?" Xavier Dolls had the keys to the apartment still stuck in the lock and looked at Nicole.  
"I have everything, really." Nicole smiled at him, a pale hint of normalcy.  
"Very good, then we can go." He took back the keys, making sure the door was locked, and picking up his black duffel bag he said, "It'll be fine, Nicole."  
She bit her lip trying to stop the tears from starting to fall again.

"I want to get there before dark: the roads in that area don't have streetlights." He closed the door on his side and turned to Nicole, "I'm going to have a bit of a heavy foot."  
Nicole thought that her only wish was for him not to get hurt, as for her.... well, maybe it didn't matter at all, maybe it would be better to die.  
"A vacation in the hospital? No, thank you." She answered instead.  
He laughed and started the engine, "I'll get us up there safe and sound, I promise!"

**< <<<<<X>>>>>>**

After almost six hours on the road...  
"My poor bladder is exploding." Xavier Dolls entered the small parking lot of a gas station, "and I think a coffee is necessary."  
"I'm with you." Nicole replied simply.  
She had a feeling that the world had become colorful again, despite the fact that the snow had now been every present for hours along the landscape.  
The more time passed, the more she had the feeling that things would be easier for once, she wanted to believe.  
It was certainly impossible to erase the shame and pain suffered for so long, but why not try to be optimistic? Just this once...  
"You're not coming? Come on, I'll buy you a coffee." Dolls had opened the passenger door, but Nicole was so deep in thought that she hadn't even realized it.  
"Sure, I'm sorry. Also, I want to tell you that I'll pay you back for everything..." she replied, getting out of the car.  
"Again, Nicole? We already talked about this." He replied, turning up the lapels of his jacket to protect himself from the wind.  
"I don't want to be a burden." She replied, lowering her eyes to the small path carved through the snow that led to the small, dilapidated structure.  
"If you care so much, that's fine. But know that it's my pleasure." 

Dolls lowered himself onto the coffee table approaching Nicole with a conspiratorial air, "this coffee tastes like piss..." he whispered.   
Nicole released the air from her nostrils, trying to hide a small laugh.  
"At least it'll keep me wide awake, though." He straightened up and took a sip of the dark liquid in his cup.  
"I love you, Xavier..."   
Nicole's affirmation came without warning, catching the man by surprise as he risked choking on his coffee.  
"I love you too..." he looked at the red-haired woman, but she was looking out the dirty window.  
"Look," she smiled, "it's starting to snow..."  
"We'd better get back on the road, then. The cabin isn't far, but if the snow starts to encroach on the road, even my SUV won't be able to get us there..."  
Nicole nodded, but she stayed with her gaze outside as her eyes rose and fell trying to follow the snowflakes.  
Xavier Dolls smiled, thinking that Nicole looked like a child, something innocent and pure...fragile.  
"I'll go pay the bill." He stood up, "and maybe I'll try to call my friend Doc and see what the weather's like up there."  
Nicole looked away from the scenery, "that's fine. I'll wait for you here."

Once the bill was paid, Dolls returned to the table where Nicole was waiting for him.  
"I'm calling him now." He pulled out his cell phone, but only seconds later raised it high, "Come on!"  
"No signal?" Nicole asked.  
"No...I completely forgot: no more cell phones from here on out. I'm going to ask to use the landline here...if they have one..." it wasn't irony.  
Nicole was relieved that her cell phone would be down: no one would be looking for her.... Derek wouldn't be able to call her.  
"Nicole...?"   
It probably wasn't the first time Xavier had tried to get her attention, judging by the sing-songy tone.  
"Sorry. What?" She said, collecting herself.  
"Nothing important, I wanted to know if you had any calls to make too."  
Nicole licked her lips and lowering her eyes to the table she replied, "No, thank you."  
There was no one to call, no one at all...the only important person in her life was there with her, there was no one else.

"Okay," Dolls returned to the table, "I have good news and bad news. Which one do you want to hear first?"  
Nicole stood up, grabbing her backpack, "the bad."  
"It's snowing really hard up there, to be honest, my friend said something about a snowstorm going on."  
Nicole hissed, "wow, okay. And the good news?"  
Xavier Dolls raised the thumb of his right hand, "the snow plows are already on location."  
"If your problem can be solved, why are you worried? If your problem can't be solved, why are you worried?" She replied, smiling slightly.  
"Epicuro?"  
Nicole nodded.

"Your hands..." Nicole looked at Xavier's hands: reddened and darkened by the cold, "couldn't you have worn gloves to put the snow chains on?"  
"They're too thick, I couldn't hook them up." He replied, rubbing his hands hard and then resting them on the dashboard vents from which the warm air from the heater was coming out.  
"I would have been happy to help you." She looked out the window as he started the SUV's engine.  
"Let me be the man."   
Xavier's tone was playful, but Nicole felt annoyed by that statement: she of course knew and had already thoroughly inspected the issue: men are physically stronger than women, it's a fact. But putting on snow chains was not a matter of strength but of skill and knowledge, which she did not lack.   
Nicole didn't think either gender was better than the other, not men, not women. She simply thought it was a matter of situation, for example, she felt more comfortable talking to a male doctor and a female psychologist.   
Men have, in most cases, too much testosterone in their system, which makes them aggressive.  
Women, on the other hand, are more sensitive and prone to neurosis.  
Statistical data, however, can not be taken as absolute, there is no absolute truth because the possible variations, even within the same set, are infinite.  
Perhaps the best thing would be to talk about 'people', simply.

"Do you know why we find it harder, more graphic and disturbing when it's a woman doing something violent?"  
"I didn't see it coming..." Xavier admitted, "no, I don't think I do." He replied, continuing to watch the road.  
"It's because we imagine woman as something sweet, maternal and protective. Forgetting that they are still human beings, someone capable of conceiving evil, if you believe in the concept of good and evil."  
"And do you believe in good and evil?"  
"No. I believe in right and wrong. Good and evil are concepts that I cannot fully understand. But for the sake of simplicity, I still use those terms in everyday life. Convention. What do you think?"  
Nicole felt the need to speak and think because, with sudden violence, the memory of Derek and his actions had come back to haunt her.  
"I believe in good and evil. Even in religious terms, trivially, God is good, the Devil is evil. I'm a believer, as you know, although I don't think the earth was created in seven days by the Lord. I still think there is a higher consciousness, call it God, or whatever you want. Personally, I need to believe in Him, not necessarily in physical form." He replied.  
"I understand. I also believe that there is something greater, I don't know if this thing has a consciousness or not, it could simply be energy."  
"In your opinion, is it important to know if something really exists and give it a name?" Xavier asked as he slowed down due to a sheet of ice on the side of the carriageway they were traveling.  
"No." Nicole smiled, "yes." Then she added, "I think the only thing that's really important is to never stop asking questions, even if you know you won't get an answer. The key thing is to ask why, and I'm not just talking about things like, is there a God? Where do we come from? Does the universe have an end or a beginning? For example, how exactly does a matchstick work? A bit trivial, but it serves my example, we know it's a chemical reaction triggered by the heat of friction between two physical bodies. But I don't know how a digital clock works...we don't have to stop because the moment we do we die. Everything that is motionless is dead. Plants, fungi and animals, including us of course, cannot be still except at the moment of death."  
"I've missed talking to you so much, Nicole." Xavier turned to her and smiled, "We have arrived."


End file.
